“Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes” – John-ny Mandel.
My window to a world of despair
First of all, thank you to anyone who didn’t want me to die. It’s as blunt a message as that. Thank you to all of you who messaged me, messaged my family, shared my plea for help, helped my family and friends when I was nowhere in sight the last few weeks and indeed since early July when depression kicked in, the worst depression in my adult life so far. Whatever went on in my mind, kept me alive and kicking somewhere somehow. Mostly thanks to Mum, Dad, Lock in Lee and the un-named Lady A. And hugely to the football supporters of Northern Ireland (Our Wee Country/The Green and White Army), AFC Bournemouth and Glentoran FC who offered genuine warmth and support and did not want me to die. I felt the love when I saw the posts and messages from the football family. And everyone that said they didn’t want me to die and wanted me to beat depression and eat regularly again, thanks. I am grateful. I have tried to reply to you all now individually as a way to thank you. It was tough and it continues to be tough in my mind. What’s done is done.
“You’ll never change what’s been and gone” – Noel Gallagher.
Championship Cherries: 8-0 win at Birmingham City, 2014.
Second of all, I am really really depressed today, it is a low in my life, it’s Wednesday 26th October 2016. I have had 16 weeks of severe depression now and no sign of improvement other than I am not dead. In this outsidely wonderful story of my travel life on this blog, I don’t want to dress things up as amazing, backpacking can be a cover up for the real dramas in your mind. It is so tough to explain to people but finally after 4-5 weeks, I have posted this, it’s a start. I suffer from depression and little tiny things that may not matter to others – they get me down and they get me depressed. While I don’t want to focus only on sadness and despair, please know that I will write about whatever I want. It is just good that I can write something again, know this – I am a writer – it comes natural for me to write, so to have gone a month almost without posting on here, that is severe but I wasn’t ready to write. Please understand – I made mistakes, people make mistakes, but I am a man of people, peace, love and honesty. People love to make a fool out of me for whatever reason, I always become the victim. If I was dead, people would be dancing having a party (in the travel blogging world for sure everyone hates this cultured real Northern Irish approach, and also I was so angry that two people in particular couldn’t simply message me to say “please don’t die, we want you to live”) and lots of you reading know it. Sometimes you don’t need to stay alive. This time, I had to keep myself alive. I took control myself. Days were not worth living. The irony of the website’s title came into play. As if I care. #dontstopliving
“Don’t stop living” – Toronto based High School Graffiti Artist, CANADA 2001.
Don’t Stop Living
Fact – I shared my own suicide post to keep myself alive (and then clicked “hide from timeline”). Idiots saw this as some kind of publicity or marketing stunt to get people to read a travel blog. Total idiots with no education or common sense. I still can’t explain this one easily to those who don’t understand. Depression is individual to each person that has it. What works, works. Money does not matter, neither does business or white middle class capitalist cow excrement.
I shared my own suicide post to keep myself alive (and then clicked “hide from timeline”). Idiots saw this as some kind of publicity or marketing stunt to get people to read a travel blog. Total idiots with no education or common sense.
This blog is so public, it’s international. Yet in 2007 when I started writing about sky diving in New Zealand or drinking in New York, I was only really turning my private daily travel diary into an online blog bereft of too much personal emotion. But that soon changed. We forget how public it becomes on the internet and how real my story has been – anyone who followed the story saw the highs and lows and the development of myself as a perpetual tourist. But we see what really happened to a person. Especially when we are crying in a dark room in Herzegovina for two days wishing death to hit us. There’s no need to hide. I suicided my life to you all and I still cannot explain or get my message of depression across. Even this post below which was a cry for help and honesty, became people’s reason to hate me and want me dead. Remember, in my mind this is how it felt – to your mind, probably a little different. Who cares anyway. it was all what was in my mind at that particular time.
My suicide post, September 2016
“In the beginning when we were winning, when the smiles were genuine” – Nicky Wire.
Bangor, Northern Ireland. For sure a real smile.
“Who wouldn’t date you Jonny – you’re too cute” – Known person, will remain my anonymous fan.
Today, here, rather than me just Facebooking a post to say thank you to people, this is a blog post to do that but mostly a quick bit of an explanation, so it’s on here for people to read and go back to – and for those who don’t use Facebook but saw my sadness out in the open. I might also edit bits of this article depending on feedback. Those that really care about me – thanks for standing by me the last 4 months. I can’t really keep this short, and will live to tell the full story sometime. There is too much depth in this story – with three girls playing a huge part in my decline, those close to me are aware of it. They may not know it – what they did to me – they have caused my depression, aided the ruining of my travel blog and nice story and we lost ourselves in evil emotions. I actually hope that two of those girls can read this and see how they made me feel suicidal through through lies, nothing else. I suffer from depression, this is hard to explain to everyday happy people. This explains part of my depression, in a fast way.
July 2016
I arrived back in Gdańsk, Poland in July 2016. It was my fourth time in this country, third time to be writing about it and I had some nice projects lined up as I waited on my Kaliningrad visa. Two local girls who were my travel friends, they had already invited me to visit Gdańsk and agreed to show me round the sights, help me with Polish and things would be good. I was here to meet them, do some writing and visit places like Kaliningrad, Malbork, Stutthof, Leba and Pelplin. When I saw how cool the city of Gdansk looked and went on a cycle and food tour in my first week, I expected life to be so happy here and was going to stay. I got a bit lonely even though I met cool people in the Hostel Cycle On, my first base here. Having lived in Hong Kong and Australia mostly the last 7 years, this would be my first real European city to live in since 2009 (the previous one was Bournemouth in England).
All alone backpacking Gdańsk
“Maybe the strangeness only ever was, to hide ourselves from some kind of happiness” – Nicky Wire (again).
But things went downhill in lots of ways. On the same day, my visa for Kaliningrad was rejected, one of the girls lied to me, refusing to meet and show me the sights, but didn’t lie to her other friends. It was the first time on my travels that one of my travel friends had done this to me in their home town – I remember going to Colombia and Julio showed me round, same happened in Israel with Haya and Natalia, same thing in Barcelona with Paul and Nuria. Friends and family had always met up and helped me settle. But instead of saying they didn’t want to help me, lies arrived. The lies became pretty bad, so extreme I was baffled by their reasoning for lying as I was here to work and promote this region, which I did with a real passion. When I considered that they could do this to me and not others, I realised I must have been the most horrible person they had ever met. In depression little things affect me and those that lie, are the worst people to be around when you feel depressed. I felt like Hitler or Stalin to them, I had become some kind of evil person and travel blogger that should be lied to and humiliated, a lot more went on than this of course, I skim the surface. Bloggers started questioning my authenticity as well – but they have always done that. Despite the fact I am ONE OF THE ORIGINAL hobby travel bloggers – remember this blog was free and bereft of income for FIVE and a half years (2007 – 2012). It is a blog of passion rather than money. I have 3,000 travel stories on here from the goodness of my heart, not my bank account. The fact that I am more communist and people based than capitalist and building based should be enough for anyone to work that out. I rave about the cultures of Transnistria, China and North Korea. At the time, I pretended not to care and tried to shake it off and leave them to be rude and nasty. But my mood swings shifted and I sook help with with two local psychologists. Nightly I cried basins of eye water into sinks, I stopped eating properly, stopped working, stopped caring for anything. I did write about some of this on Facebook and on the blog – this post in early August was the sign of things to come. The oddest thing was – I loved Gdansk – I now had a good city at least to live in amidst my mental horror. I have toyed with writing about all of this as there is a charming love story to it as well – but with macabre parts. There was an angel to help me – Lady A. When Lady A stepped in to help, it was clear that Karolina Kokosz and Maggie Wabudka were to blame. But still, deeply nobody understood my depression or my rationale.
Suicide bid. That day on the tram tracks at Gdańsk, Poland.
August 2016
The entire month was dark. These girls lies started off as simple ones – pretending not to see my messages, pretending to read them later, pretending to be happy about my tours of Pomerania, offering fake support in depression. One of them decided to ignore my tour to their town despite the fact it was their invite initially which took me there. A nice “enjoy your trip” would have been too much to expect. When I bought wine and chocolate to one of them when we met for smoothies without a thank you, I now felt like the biggest asshole on earth. Lady A was standing watching it all, giving the best advice ever. At least I had a new best friend. My Polish doctors were good at listening, but again, nobody could understand.
“The drugs don’t work, they just make you worse and I know I’ll see your face again” – Richard Ashcroft (the Verve).
The First Backpacking Travel Writer Tourist in Starogard Gdanski. That’s a false smile for sure.
Even in depression, work was always high priority for me – I am good. I am hard working. My tours were going well though and I got front page news in the local paper next to an Olympic gold medal winner. But that didn’t even make me happy now. I got 4 star hotels asking me to do reviews and I declined. I wasn’t happy. I stopped working. I closed the book on it.
September 2016
To relieve my despair, my best friend Millwall Neil visited me in Gdańsk. He was a gem for doing this, and we had a great time – we toured the Wall Murals of Zaspa and a sombre trip out to Westerplatte where World War 2 began. But rather than easing my depression and suicidal thoughts, Neil’s journey merely delayed it. Nothing to do with Neil of course.
Neil and I at the Lookout Tower at Westerplatte
I was happy when Neil and I had 5 days together. During this time, again some of the local “friends” I had made refused to meet us and lied to me. It was hard to take. I turned to football again but it was lonely and shit – I went to watch the local football Lechia Gdańsk for the first time – we play in green and white and won 2-1 against Lech Poznan. All of these were covers up for my nightly despair.
Watching Lechia Gdańsk in September 2016
I also had a new, gorgeous flat in the district of Brzezno, Gdańsk. Anywhere with a B for town and B for beach really – Bangor, Ballyholme, Bournemouth, Brzezno. I moved in and things would be fine now. I had a local WiFi cafe and I took walks on the gorgeous pier and beach. People on the outside thought my life must be amazing – wow – Northern Irish blogger, cool, happy guy gets a new flat, has an article in the Polish newspaper, working for Polish travel magazines and he smiles. “swap ye” says the Ulsterman. No, you won’t want to.
My flat in Brzezno, Gdańsk
My local WiFi cafe in Brzezno, Gdańsk
On the beach in Brzezno, Gdańsk
On the pier in Brzezno, Gdańsk
But later the lies got extreme, my days became mundane and with no apology in sight, my days became foodless. I didn’t need to eat. I still drank tea and coffee. I lay on the beach or pier on my own, wishing someone might come and help, and see me, and talk to me. I had a brief release from my depression when I toured Malbork, Elblag and Stutthof with two friends. Around the same time, some jealous newbie travel bloggers including “fake Afghanistan tourist Derek Freal” (a blogger who emailed me asking advice about Afghanistan for his trip in March 2016 that he never went on – can’t stand fakes) reported one of my websites for “a promoted article on sex”. Himself having an article on being in prison and kissing an Asian girl!! The article I had done was written for free in 2012 as a joke, it was pure fire Northern Irish humour and for the record, I owned all the photos on the post and they are me and my friends in them. These bloggers even accused me of promoting sex tourism in South East Asia. I was baffled. Idiots with no intelligence. It’s a well known fact that I hate south east asia and I abhorr sex tourism or any kind of female exploitation (or indeed male exploitation). Except for when depression kicks in, I try to be a model gentleman. Everybody also knows that I had a girlfriend who I was engaged to for 5 years of this blog’s existence. She knows the truth (she doesn’t want me to mention her name on here anymore but you know who she is – wondergirl). But I was depressed, suicidal and now angry – just to keep these ill educated bloggers happy, I removed the article but my website as a business was over. Maybe a blessing in disguise though, in the long run, who knows? The same week I lay on tram tracks in a suicide bid and later fell out of a tree hurting my back. I didn’t want to be here.
“When your day is long and the night is yours alone” – Michael Stipe.
One day it got too bad – I posted a final request on Facebook and sat back on my new bed. I turned my computer off, packed a quick bag, wrote a suicide note (which the Polish police never found or cared t0 find – they were useless at even locating my flat with their old school “offline methodology”) and got the next train to Warszawa. With no plans on what to do except escape my mind’s thoughts.
Take me away
“Life lies a slow suicide, everywhere death row; everyone’s a victim” – Richey James Edwards.
There are gaps to fill in but now – nothing has changed. After I left Poland for Slovakia, the next day, the lies continued and my parents came to Gdansk to meet me. I wasn’t there and I wasn’t online for the first 5 days. I had no idea, or notion of what might be happening in Poland. I didn’t meet them or know they were in Gdansk. I took the first 5 days offline completely. By now, I was in Serbia. Disterbia. I found out later that the girls involved were now lying to the police, lying to my friends and probably most deeply upsetting – when they couldn’t even reply to my own mother to offer a reason or an apology. At least I was still alive, but I didn’t need friends or family or anyone – I wanted to cut off from everything. If I died, I didn’t care, if I survived then I would feel like I had beaten something again. The depression hasn’t eased and this story is very hazy and incomplete but I’m here. The fact remains though – only ONE person clicked share on my suicide post after 10 days and this felt horrible to me – I saw it on day 5 and again on day 10 and because I wasn’t logging in, I felt so unwanted. So when I got back online properly on day 12, I shared it myself (and then clicked “hide from timeline”) and then I paid a marketing company to add fake “sads” and “likes” to it, to keep myself alive. I was ridiculed for demanding this by those who have no humanity in them. I had also previously paid for mental health specialists, yes I paid money for doctors (it is not about promoting blogs – it is about health), if I needed a certain type of tea at that time and it cost $100 US< I would pay it. These people think that mental health and death is all about selling adverts on a blog – this is probably because they come from a commercial mindset in a capitalist country. Here, in my communist retort, I was merely trying to keep myself alive. I would pay money to anyone to keep me alive – money or marketing is of no element here. I just needed to see that physical number of shares and sads/likes that wanted me to stay alive then I could feel wanted. Once I got it and saw it, I then pretended it was done by the public. And it gave me a smile again. While trying to explain this to others, they were too stupid to understand that I ended up giving up on explaining it. Only Carlo Cretaro from Next Step Who Knows (a true gentleman) understood me as we met for a chat in Budapest. Even now, most don’t understand it. But the situation is – money is nothing on life. If someone suicidal wants something that is easily done – do it for them. Do it. It will work. I added 149 shares of my own until Facebook banned me from sharing the post. It made me feel more wanted than the conniving 200 sneaky private messages or shares of a supermarket. If you really care about someone – you will do it in public. You will not be ashamed to say “I hope you stay alive Jonny. Do not die” and do it on my own suicide post, not on someone elses. I will even do that for my enemies as I am a man of peace and love. If someone asks me to say “I don’t hate Southampton FC” to keep them alive, yes yes I will do it for them. My Cherries mates are cringing now, but I will do it and so should they.
157 shares – 149 by me to keep myself alive and happy.
Now for the horrible part, the nasty people:
And now for the “No thanks to the stupid ones”, because I’m not a forced white middle class United States travel blogger that left my hometown to start a website only to make money and for promotion. These are travel bloggers to not only avoid, but it seems they genuinely wished death upon me, and don’t care at all about mental health or understand me or my story. Remember this website is only a personal travel blog, it’s wasn’t meant or made to be some kind of fake business or marketing stunt like the other buck eeejits. I’ll say it again – I’ve been a travel writer since 1991 (my first trip to the Netherlands) and an online travel writer since 2007. I do it for passion, not for marketing or money you idiots. The first 5 years of this site, I lost time and money on it and loved it!! Good luck if any of their closer than me friends and family ever get ill in life. Then you’ll know what depression is and how serious suicide and mental health can be. These bloggers, when I was suicidal and fasting myself, they really did all this:
1.Anna Lysakowska (allegedly she is Polish – oh the irony as I live here, yet she writes in English) – she saw my post and decided not to share it??? Suspecting that depression and suicide is a “publicity stunt”? This is mental health, mental illness. Yes, maybe we should make it a publicity stunt then, now that she mentions it. But publicity stunt for what?? To make people visit my stupid travel blog page or my website?? I think not. Another western white lady whose entire blog looks like she is only doing it for publicity yet my blog is of course only a personal diary from my pen since 1991. The mind boggles.
Hateful stupid bloggers who know nothing about depression
Nasty comments? I bring peace and love and honesty. If my honesty is nasty, at least it didn’t wish people dead or refuse to share health posts because you are too cool for them. How can people be so cruel? (answer – because they don’t understand depression or passionate travel blogging when money is not involved).
2.Justin Tarmac (United States travel blogger with very, very poor English – what is the word ya?) This guy actually took time out to complain about my depression and criticise me for it, I couldn’t believe some of the things he says, so I screen grabbed them just to show how horrible humans can be. Stalin and Hitler have nothing on this guy:
Justin Tarmac and his “ya”s
“Ya man, ya it’s bad”. Ya ya ya. What does “ya man” mean? He must have a great travel blog. And making up stories about my “it never happened 2015 suicide bid”?? When did I ever disappear in 2015 and then popped up a week later? This is the most lunatical thing I have ever read. “His mom flew to Poland and started a search” – you mean “His mother and father” flew to Poland to keep me alive.
“What a piece of shit” – he is either talking about me or my mother here. Enough said – horrible man who again, has no idea about depression. But because I have depression most of my life, I am a “piece of shit” or my mother is. I don’t call people “a piece of shit” because it’s offensive. It’s nasty and it’s inhumane.
And why would I “apologise to my my friends for scaring them”. In depression you never think of things like this – you are depressed! The only person scared is the person depressed. We are trying to stay alive, we are not thinking of scaring others, he has obviously never had depression or even understands it.
- I also wanted to mention about my “friend” Maggie Wabudka here – Maggie started agreeing with Justin and ridiculing me for sharing my own post 149 times to stay alive. Maggie – I am depressed – if you were depressed and needed this I would do it for you, without question!! Please can you understand this? Come on Maggie, you even blocked me on Instagram because of this? And I’m one of your fans!
3.Anna Faustino
“Whoa. This is pretty unreal.” – NO it is not – it is very very real. Depression and mental health are huge issues in life.
Next you’ll be telling me that a Mental Health and Suicide company paid me to write this and fake my scars and days without food just to create a silly story for buck eejit travel bloggers. For what purpose? To save 1,000 lives? No idea.
4.Nellie Huang
“Oh my bloggers would actually stoop to THIS level for publicity” – seriously Nellie, she wrote that!!! Is she completely stupid?? The numbers on the blog post did not have to be PUBLIC, or publicity – they were physical numbers for my head, they could be private only for me to see it and feel wanted. And you can click “hide from timeline” after doing it. I have never met any of these people of course but they are clearly very badly educated with happy families that never had a problem in life. Mental health is real. My doctors are fake too I assume? I paid them for nothing, did I?
Yes of course I will tell people I am depressed and mentally unstable, and ready to die, but to class it as publicity because I tell people? It almost sounds like she thinks I was putting it in public for a stupid reason. I actually feel it was a good thing to publicise it! If I didn’t tell people my problems, then nobody knows. It may even help others talk about depression, so perhaps even publicly doing it and publicity isn’t even a bad thing. It has NOTHING to do with earning money or getting people to visit stupid websites. It is ONLY about self survival. I still have no idea if these people will ever understand this, but at least I have tried one last time.
I still haven’t received any “get well soon” messages or apologies from these “humans”. Maybe they should read my real life non commercial horror stories on my tours to Saddam Hussein’s house in Iraq or the concentration camps in Cambodia and Poland. Those are nasty people in our history. I only brought you peace and love, all for free and because I went backpacking around the world with some Bangor seaside charm.
I cannot write any more now as this is so sad for me but these four “travel bloggers” were not the only ones – I got a lot of hate mail and didn’t bother to screen grab it all. I’m going to ignore it from now on, unless it is from an intelligent person. But I had to vest this anger out tonight as my depression has been accelerated by these people, who cannot understand mental health.
I am so depressed right now but don’t worry about it because the whole thing is just a full invented idea for my whole adult life just so that buck eejits will click on a travel blog post about backpacking through Karakalpakstan (don’t click on that – it’s for show only).
“Jonny Blair shared this then clicked ‘hide from timeline’ ” – I did it to save my own life.
Best wishes, peace and love, even to those who hate me.
Your number one pure, culture hungry, non-capitalistic, passionate backpacking Northern Irishman.
Jonny Blair
“We got a love between us and it’s like electricity” – Suede.
Sharing some love on World Peace Day
Hey friend. Just stumbled across your blog while looking for info crossing Georgia to Armenia (which was helpful! Thank you!). This entry however caught my attention. I have suffered myself from dark thoughts and depression, and I encourage you to please take your problems to a professional. It’s very difficult to shake these feelings alone, and it breaks my heart rock see someone else going through this. For me, mindful meditation and a greater understanding of my own relationship between my thoughts and reality really helped me. I hope the same can help you in this dark time. Remember, you aren’t alone and there are more people rooting for you than you think!
What a piece of shit. You can’t even spell my name right and then critiques my spelling….you have the worst English I’ve ever seen and are the worst blogger I’ve seen. You admitted this was for publicity. “OH COURSE IT WAS FOR PUBLICITY, IM MR PUBLICITY AND MY BACKGROUND IS PR!!” You’re words. Want the screen shot? Fuck you, it didn’t work. Sad thing is I was sad and worried for you until you came on angry that everyone didn’t make your post viral and didn’t get enough shares. Then it became obvious. Then other bloggers told me to ignore it because you’ve done this before. You’re digging your own hole man, not me. Take my name off your shit blog post. Stop glorifying depression and seeking attention, and get help. When people saw my name on your shit site they messaged me in support of ME, not you. Get it together. I was a supporter, but you’ve gone off the deep end. Just get better.
Hi Austin, thanks for the comment. It’s the toughest thing to escape and the most horrible to explain to others. Almost everyone that has a travel blog is against me and want me dead and yet they do not know me or the reasons I get so suicidal. Safe travels. Jonny
Alright Jenny… You’re self centered to think anyone wants you dead. We all wished you well and then you attacked us for not sharing your article and making it go viral. So many people wished you well and you still lashed out because you didn’t get enough attention. I get it, you want attention, and I’m feeding that by commenting here. But take my name off your blog, I don’t want you dead and I don’t want to be sucked in to you fucking drama. Don’t attack Anna and Nellie or anyone. It’s not just bloggers who are mad at you, it’s everyone who cares. You even attack people for sending the police to find you, because you prefer they just share and like your fb posts to make it go viral. Go get help, you’re a mental case. Stop attacking random people. I want good things for you, but I don’t have time for your shit. You’re losing supporters with every post. Go home.
Hi Jonny. Life is shit for everyone at some point. Remember when I shared your post? I just wanted to share with people how bad it is for me when you only have 11 YouTube subscribers and 8 book copies sold.
I haven’t worked a day in 2 months cause it medical condition nearly killed me in Melbourne, I had to stay in Sydney till my next trip.
Always remember I would still be volunteering at a church IG I didn’t create Overland Metalhead. I need your writings in my life because once someone like Lemmy OR Jackie Collins is 6ft under I’ve only got their body of work to remind myself
Love your work
Martin Anthony
Hi Jonny. Its good to see you writing again, even though this post is a sad one. You are a writer and I take it as a positive sign that you feel strong enough to write again. I sincerely hope you will soon begin to feel better. I greatly admire you for being so open about your depression. I think it will help many others to feel like they are not alone in their experiences. And I continue to be in admiration of the journey you have been on as a traveller. I hope to read many more stories from you and to meet you again one day.
Hi there,
I stumbled across this website though my news feed, and it’s funny for me to read somebody who is very show off on his emotional circumstances… sorry my bad English, it’s not my mom language.
If I were you, it must be an awkward moments for me to let people know when I’m on the lowest point of my life, .. I don’t know.. I grew up in family where showing of your sadness, tears, depression are such a disgrace .. Once I made a joke to my parents, I’m feeling suicidal they just said .. yeah, that’s life just accept that, Never I heard they will support me or give me a hug or to make things more drama …. Ok, that’s in my culture..
I don’t know you and just skimming your blog for a few minutes but I can’t resist on commenting for this one. It’s just like another emo articles for me………
Ra recently posted…Protected: First World vs. Third World Traveler
Hi Justin, thanks for the comment. I will reply to both your comments in separate messages as that makes more sense in my head. The first one – I don’t mind if you think I am the worst at English and the worst blogger ever. I am happy with that, I’m depressed enough without needing to care about that. I am only a blogger for passion and culture, nothing about promotion, marketing or making money. Everybody that really likes my story will know that. My blog was going for 5 years before I made any money and I never had any hate mail in the days when I wrote for free so I don’t like the professional or fake aspect to blogging which is all about marketing and promotion. Yes I am a big marketer and PR rep – I left that world as I hated the fakeness of it. I am Mr. Publicity and my background is in PR that is true. Being suicidal and depressed is nothing about publicity however now I realise it was better for you if I kept my conditions private. But for me, it kept me alive to have them publicisied. I would have been dead if I didn’t tell others. I don’t apprecaite your sware words or cursing at me, what I wrote was honest and from the heart and always will be. I go to church and we don’t sware like that in holy places so I will pray for it later. I was not angry at all about shares or make any post go viral. I was deeply depressed and upset that ONE person, ONE measly person shared my suicide post in the space of 10 days. I was deeply upset by this. So to rectify it, I added the shares MYSELF. I didn’t care for “going viral” or soemthign ridiculous like that in this condition, I only wanted to stay alive. At that exavt time, the way to keep myself alive was to see a physical number of sads or likes on that post with it being shared. I didn’t want to see the shares going “viral” (whatever that means” I only wanted to see the number myself, which is why I suggested to click “hide from timeline” so it is not publicised like you expected. It can become obvious but when you say “other bloggers told me you have done this before”, I don not know what you mean. Yes I have been depressed and suicidal before, yes that is true, but done what before? Added my own shares to feel loved and keep myself alive? That was the first time I added shares myself and stayed alive. I don’t take names off posts if they were the truth of what happened and you really said all that and those other bloggers also said it – you all hate me – it is obvious. But the blog post is not “excrement” as you say, it is my true and honest heart felt post and this is my site so I keep it real rather than fake. If my site is “excrement” as you say – that is your opinion but I only write my real story for the last 9 years of travels. I am happy they message you in support, that is great, but how do you know they didn’t also message me? Did you read all my private messages? I also received global support for depression the last 20 years and will continue to fight. You were not a supporter as I never heard your name or story mentioned before I was suicidal, so I don’t think this is true. The last three words you say “just get better” yes yes yes this is my aim. Best wishes to you, peace and love. Jonny
Hi Justin, this is my reply to your second comment. When I am suicidal, yes I feel everybody wanted me dead – hence the feeling, the starvation, self harm and not eating or moving about for days. I am not the only person to suffer from this – look up the conditions of Richey James Edwards (from the rock band Manic Street Preachers) – he was the same. I didn’t attack anyone for not sharing any articles or making it go viral. This is not true, when and why would I do this?? I do not attack people. It is not in my nature to attack people. What I did say was that my suicide photo and post (just one post on Facebook – NOT an article – just a Facebook post) was only shared ONCE in 10 days and this was when I lost the most weight as I fell unwanted. So I shared it and paid a marketing company to add likes and sads to it. It was merely to keep myself alive to see a physical number. I have explained this many times but it seems you and a lot of others, still cannot see this or understand it, so I cannot explain any more. I just wanted the high number on it to keep me alive, that is all. I don’t care how many others see it – it was for me to see the numbers only, and I’m sure you know this. It is not about attention, I don’t want any attention – just a physical number BUT the attention I have received will hopefully work out positive for myself and for others in a suicidal position. I hope you can see that in depression we need to talk about it and to publicly admit it, can also be a good thing. It is not about marketing a travel blog or publicity, I hope you can understand this? I will not remove anything from my blogs as they were real and they happened – I don’t like changing the past, just trying to focus on the present and make for a better future – for you, for me, for people who care. I didn’t attack Anna or Nellie or anyone – I just repeated what they said on Facebook on my website to help explain my depression and it also proves that other people can be badly educated as they cannot see that the shares and sads/likes were only for myself to see a physical number, not to be promoting a blog to thousands or the masses. As I said many times, I do not care who reads this blog. In 2007 when I started, I had 2 viewers a week – Mum and best mate and that was even a surprise so no – I do not care for that. I did not attack anyone for sending the police, people can do what they want. Some people in my life I know have lied to the police and I do not care for Facebook posts being liked or going viral!!! It was only that one suicide post that I got down about – only one post as that was an important one for me – life or death. SOmehow by sharing it myself (and clicking “hide from timeline” or “do not publicise to the world”) I saw a good physical number of over 200 and that kept me alive. I am getting help from mental specialists since I was 14. I continue to see them and it was my therapist that first raised the alarm on my disappearance and lack of eating last month that highlighted this. I am happy to lose supporters with every post if it keeps me alive. Best wishes, peace and love. Jonny
I like how you are being passive aggressivee here and trying to sounds nice and sweet, even as you attack people on fb and are the opposite. I’ll also just chalk that up to your head problems. Look call me naive, but I am. It sure how having 150 fake shares that you did yourself would make you feel better, that makes no ducking sense, but I really don’t care. You say I don’t understand as if you’re the only depressed person to walk the earth, and that’s a little ignorant and arrogant. Everyone is trying to give you advice and help, and all you care about is getting the likes and shares, as you said. Cool man, well your blog has already been reported once this month, I don’t think it’ll help you mental state if you want to keep our names on here. You lost all our support and good thoughts when you attacked people like JW for ONLY trying to help police find you, instead of sharing your post. So now I need to cut ties with your crazy mess, and move on. You need to stop tagging me on this blog, on your personal fb, and on your blog fb. I’m tired of getting messages from people saying your crazy ass is calling me out all day. “JUSTINCARMACK WANTS ME DEAD BECAUSE HE DIDNT SHARE MY FB POST!” Come on man, seriously? It doesn’t make me look bad, because no one believes that. It makes you look bad. Take me out of your mind, out of your blog, and off Facebook, or I’ll see about getting them reported. I never commented on your post, only on one about it from a friends share. So cut your shit and go get attention somewhere else. It won’t be worth your time to hassle me more
Hi Justin, With the 150 fake shares making me happy again – this is hard to explain to people I know and throughout my blog’s lifespan and my own problems in life I have struggled to ever find a doctor that can understand me. My best friends also don’t understand how my head works, but trust me – that worked for me. It doesn’t make sense to 95% of others either so don’t worry, you are not the only one. You don’t have to care either, we all have our own lives to live as I’m sure you know. I didn’t say I was the only depressed person but sadly I am one of the few depressed people who tells the truth on my feelings and puts them in the open, it is either I do that, or I hide and I have chosen to tell people and to make it known. Again, whether this is right or wrong, neither of us know but it has worked for me so far as I am still alive. Sometimes I am arrogant I know that, but I don’t feel ignorant, this is your opinion and that’s also fine. I do not ONLY care about likes and shares – I openly said I do not want likes and shares – it was ONLY on that ONE suicide Facebook post that I wanted to see the physical number to keep me alive. That was all. Same as I mentioned before – if I need a red apple and the shop only has green apples, I will pay them $100 US for a red apple and sit there until they bring it. Little things affect my day. I do appreciate the advice – the title of this post is actually about THANKING people and I have personally emailed or messaged EVERY person who has given me advice in the last 4 months of my depression, and the worst time of my life. So I cannot agree with you on that. I only write what is real and from the heart – yes there are names on this post and in previous posts I always talk about real people and what they do. This post is the same – there are names of people who have impacted my life so I don’t want to go back in and edit or change the past – we should live in the present and embrace the future. When you say “our”, it again sounds like you represent a “cool group” of people that I am not part of, nor do I crave to be. I also didn’t attack anyone called JW, but it sounds like he is someone who looks down on me and blames my real honest posts on my depression. He try to act like a God to me, and he is not. I have already told him not to preach to me like a guru, and he will know what he has done himself. If 30+ psychiatrists cannot help, what chance has a capitalist travel blogger got if he hasn’t worked in psychiatry before? I leave it to the professionals and I keep finding new psychologists and psychiatrists, most of whom cannot help but they try. I know they try. When you say my blog has been reported once this month, what do you mean? Reported to the police? This is a genuine real life story, as I said I just write from my heart and mind onto the computer. I think you do the same, it’s a real story isn’;t it? And that is what we should focus on. Cutting ties is fine, but I haven’t tagged you recently on any posts – honestly it has been a few weeks since that. It’s ok if I look bad, as long as I am alive. My only ambition here is to stay alive and once I achieve it, I aim to help others in mental health problems in their lives. My two brothers also do not understand me, but they try. I don’t need attention as I mentioned Justin. I have just been telling my story, as many others tell yours. 10 years ago I told my story into a private diary, the last 10 years it has been online as I hoped there would be something positive and good about that, I give some good visa and border advice on this site as others have emailed me about, but at the moment I just need to focus on eating properly and taking medication. Best wishes, peace and love as always to you and everyone who is genuinely honest and with a good heart. Jonny
If you can, you should take time off the travel trail and go back to Northern Ireland for a spell. Or at least somewhere with tons of tropical sunshine. Godspeed to you sir.
Hi Frank thanks for the comment and caring words. I have to be honest here but in depression I am sick of people telling me to go back to Northern Ireland as if that will solve my suicidal thoughts. Same with tropical sunshine. It is easier to sit in a dark room on my own with thunder and lightning to get through it. It is hard to explain to those on the outside looking in, but I know what works for me and I have to do that. Being around happy and fun people right now is not what I need – that will depress me more. Best wishes and safe travels. Jonny
Hi Amanda, thanks as always for your comment and kind words. It is a sad one but the blog has to be real, true and honest. As mentioned many times, this blog was only ever a passion for me, the hate mail arrived only when I started earning money from it. If I recover to full health, I will continue to blog like I did 9 years ago – with no emphasis on money and then hopefully the haters will disappear as now they really believe I am pretending to be mentally unwell and suicidal in order to get people to click on the blog, which has driven me crazy trying to justify myself. It used a lot of my energy. I need to focus on health and one day maybe writing positively again and for sure meeting you again in Dorset for cake and coffee would be something special. Best wishes. Jonny
No when I say your blog has been reported, and can again, I was referring to it being reported to google because you were promoting prostitution/sex tourism/what ever it was. There’s no cool crowd, just a people tired of your drama and being tagged. I don’t care if you speak your mind and call yourself “real”. I do care about you tagging me many times like a fucking stalker on all your channels and telling everyone I want you dead. Last chance to take me off and move on with your life.
Hi Jonny
I hope you feel better soon. I replied to your Antarctica post few weeks ago and I don’t think you saw this. Anyway I am going to do a trip to Ushuaia looking for a last minute cruise deal. Booked my tickets yesterday.
I am a Buddhist and strongly believe in meditation – it has lots of benefits if you do it correctly. I’ve noted that you don’t want people to say what to do, but I feel that I have to say this as a piece of information for you to make a decision, Chiang Mai in Thailand has monasteries for meditation retreats and you only have to pay a donation if you wish.
Hi Justin, thanks for your comment. If people want to report my site or any site to Google or to anyone else, that is their opinion but this is a real site on travel and is honest. What I have written on this article is from the heart and is honest. That really happened – you and other travel bloggers really believe that I invented my mental illness for 20 years just to get a few clicks on a website. This is completely ludicrous and untrue as I have mentioned I only wanted to see a physical number of shares, likes and sads on my suicide post to keep myself alive. Most of my doctors also don’t understand this, but I battle on. There is a lady called Anna who I also mention and she said she refused to share my suicide post. This is horrible, even if she clicked “hide from timeline”, it is really quite a nasty thing to say. If it was teenage rape victims, or cancer would she also not share it? I don’t see the logic on how mental illness is any different from these diseases but I continue to receive treatment and so far I am eating properly again. I have not tagged you for a few weeks and back then I only tagged you 2 or 3 times so that you could see my comment and understand it, or try to understand it. I did not stalk you, nor have I seen your blogs, personal Facebook or websites. It is the opposite, and of course I will not tag you again or mention anything about death, I haven’t done that in 3 weeks so I won’t do it again – in this post I only tell the story of my depression to help explain myself (again – not for web clicks – I don’t care who reads it). I have not received any admission of guilt or any apologies from you or any other travel bloggers and will be in hospital this week so won’t be able to check again just yet. Also to prove to others that I do not care about web clicks or likes or shares (except that one suicide post to save myself from death), I am not blogging or Facebooking at present as if I do I will get accused of doing it only to get clicks, and I only care for my health and for peace and love on this planet. It is tough that people judge me in a harsh way when they don’t know me and didn’t meet me, but I have to accept that. Enjoy your week and best wishes to you and your friends. Jonny
Hi Sonia, thanks for the comment. I think I replied to it – unless it went into junk mail but I have been suffering from depression so please forgive me if I missed it. I hope you enjoy Antarctica.
Buddhism may be an option, there is a course for silence in Poland that I am considering doing to be at ease with myself. I have to battle on and I am in therapy at present. Best wishes, peace and love. Jonny
Hi Jonny
I really wish you to get through this health problem, I care about people and try to help if I can. If you like I can find out about a ‘good’ meditation center in Germany through someone who has gone there. You don’t have to be a Buddhist to meditate or go to the temple for any retreats. Try and avoid commercial meditation places as they are running it for a profit and the Buddhist monks are doing it to help people learn meditation and other things like path to happiness through moderate living by understanding the circumstances/implications and the results (karma) of your own actions etc. I am not a religious person per se but some of the teachings and adherence to some basic rules has made me a ‘better’ citizen.
I am traveling around the world currently and will be back in London next Feb, so I can see whether there are ‘good’ places in Poland through my Polish friends if you wish.
Take care. Sonia
Hi Jonny. I’m from Lisburn, but do a fair amount of travel to China. Mentioned to Jack and Louisa in Delaney’s Hong Kong 2 weeks ago that you were in a dark place and they were shocked/wished you well.
Try not to get caught up too deep with that joker Justin, he doesn’t get it and never will….some people are just cold….
Take it from me that things can get better, but it takes time. Poland sounds awful by the way…..
Depression is a nightmare, no point in telling you to move on etc as it just does not work that way! Just remember that you CAN get through this over time!
Up Glenavon by the way!,
Hi Paul, what a pleasant surprise of a message. Wow – Jack and Louisa??!! I used to work with them in that pub in Hong Kong and loved my time there. I haven’t been back to Hong Kong for a while but when I do, I always pop back in to say hello to them. It’s hard to describe my depression to others, luckily I am speaking to those who are also sufferers and that is helping me more. Poland awful? definitely not! A brilliant country, my favourite European country outside Northern Ireland by a long way – I just love the lifestyle and culture here. Exactly right with the “move on”, “ignore them”, “go down the pub with your mates” – none of that ever works. Glentoran fan here Paul but my mate Ian McKinney is a big Glenavon fan. Best wishes and safe travels. Jonny
To be fair, the Glens recent performances can’t be helping you get through this either!!
My experiences in this with some people very close to me were that it took medication (which at times messes you up more than helps, but ultimately I think does help) and time. I also heard it quoted that depression is a really selfish disease….it makes people let others down a lot, in ways most can’t understand. Crucial thing is to have people around who know and love you (be that friends, family or perhaps church members if you still go)
and to understand that small steps help get there eventually.
Strangely enough regular work seemed to help people get through too ( gives money, self esteem, tires out and helps with sleep, regular feeling of getting something done, meeting new people for more than a few days)
Anyway, I’m no expert, just someone who has seen others recover and how hard that is
Hi Sonia, thanks for the comment and message. It’s a tough time and I’m not being myself now, or have I been for 4 months really despite doing some nice travels in that time (Kaliningrad, Malbork, Starogard Gdanski etc.). I have some excellent Polish places for meditation through my friend here but as yet I have not booked anything. Religion wise, I still go to church and pray as much as I can. Safe travels, peace and love. Jonny
Hi Paul, thanks for all the advice. I’m not a “glory type fan” so if the Glens lose or play bad, good or averga, that won’t affect me in the slightest as long as the club still exists and I can still know it’s my team. The selfish part you mention I think that’s true. I’ve neglected a lot of my close friends and family as they can’t seem to see my viewpoint. In exchange, I’ve been interacting with strangers who are also depressed and they understand it more. I work for myself, so this doesn’t help things as it’s up to me to increase or decrease my workload though going back to a bar job or something might well help. Best wishes, peace and love. Jonny
Jonny Blair, a big salute to you as you won many things including 7 continents, 100 countries, over 600 town just amazing amazing amazing ! for your great life.
Hi Isabella, thanks for the comment and kind words. Sadly the journey has been a tainted one and I need to try and survive first and foremost. Safe travels. Jonny
Kudos on managing to keep up your travels whilst depressed, even when situated in a static place but still abroad, far from home.
I too have suffered depression most of my life but especially at Uni and at midlife, and I still have a negative mindset.
I did manage a stint at Disneyland Paris for 8 months but wish I had travelled more, although I have seen other foreign countries on holiday.
All the best, keep living the dream.
Hi Tragic Romantic, thanks for your support during tough depressive times. Safe travels. Jonny